


Coping

by jacquelee



Category: Old Kingdom - Garth Nix
Genre: Community: gameofcards, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-27
Updated: 2016-05-27
Packaged: 2018-07-10 13:15:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6986557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jacquelee/pseuds/jacquelee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the battle with Orannis, Lirael finds someone to help her cope with her losses. </p><p>Told from the perspective of an original character. Contains allusions to attempted suicide.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coping

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a challenge at [game of cards](http://gameofcards.livejournal.com), in which an OC was to be introduced into a fandom.

For the last few days, Aenna had seen her come into the library. From her elevated position on the gallery, she could look at her without being seen. 

It wasn't like she was actively observing what she was doing, especially since her behaviour made it clear that she wanted to be left alone, but it was impossible to ignore the familiarity of her ways to move through the library and her struggles to take out books with only one arm, especially when she had to climb up a ladder to do it. 

Of course Aenna knew who she was. Everyone knew. And of course she could guess the reason for her coming here and curling up with a book in a remote corner of the library. She considered going there and offering help, offering an ear, a shoulder, someone who understood what she was going through. 

Aenna knew that here in Belisaere, especially in the palace, everyone was eager to help Lirael cope, but she also knew that there were some things that most people just didn't understand. Lirael had her new found family, of course, but they did not know and could never know how it must have felt for her to find out that she was the Abhorsen-in-Waiting and more importantly, that she was a Remembrancer, which meant that she would never have the Sight. 

A Clayr without the Sight. How could anyone else ever understand how that felt? 

The few Clayr who were in the palace were here on official diplomatic missions. They would try, but compassion and understanding had never been the Clayr's strong trait, especially not when it came to matters that did not involve the Sight. Or even more, that did involve not having it. 

Strangely, in a way, Aenna envied Lirael. Her whole life, she had wished to be able to get rid of the Sight. She had hated it from that moment when the Watch had announced her Awakening. She had hated that it stole her childhood, her friends, her home in a way. 

She had only been seven years old when she Awakened, one of the youngest Clayr to ever get the Sight, and from then on, her life had revolved around the Sight, the Watch and learning, learning, learning. No playing, no interacting with her old friends from the Hall of Youth at all. They all saw her as an adult now, as a real Clayr, above the things the other children did. 

And she had resented it. She had blamed the Sight for doing this to her. 

Now, decades after that moment, she was able to look at her life objectively and realize that her blaming the Sight for taking her life away had been misguided, because it had not been the Sight that did that, it had been the Clayr themselves and their inability to see individuals and their needs. 

The Sight was not the problem, the Clayr focusing their entire lives and society on it was. They did not see anyone or care about anyone when it wasn't directly related to the Sight. And once Aenna had realized that, it was not hard to imagine how terrible Lirael's life as a sightless Clayr must have been. 

And now that the girl had found her calling, her family, her heritage, her new life, it had come with what must have seemed to her a very high price. The price of ever fitting in, of being a real Clayr. 

For Aenna, that prize had been paid decades ago, and paid happily. She had not been back to the glacier even once in all these years and did not plan on ever going back. But it was unlikely that Lirael was there already. She was just at the beginning of her journey and she had been thrust into events that had been even bigger and had had more dire consequences than finding out that she would never have the Sight. 

While not much had been told of the battle with the Destroyer, bits and pieces were known. Enough to know that Lirael had lost more than her hand at that battle. 

It wasn't hard to see either. The way she came in here, the way she looked around, the way she seemed to always want to start talking to a companion that wasn't there. All of these were signs that she was expecting someone to be there to share her thoughts with but that someone was gone. 

After a week of watching Lirael's struggles, Aenna made a decision. An hour before the time when Lirael had come in for the last few days, she made her way down to the central room of the library, a task that she normally only underwent in emergencies as she came into and left the library usually through the door up here on the gallery and it wasn't easy to get down the stairs but she managed. 

Positioning herself in one of the reading armchairs right next to where Lirael always retreated to, she took great care to not cover the wooden peg on her left leg, something she normally didn't do anyways, because she didn't give a damn about people seeing it, but something that now seemed prudent to show Lirael that there was someone who could potentially understand her, who in a way shared what she had gone through. 

Whose offer for help stemmed not from pity but from knowing how it was to suddenly be in a position of vulnerability and to have to get on with tasks that were nearly impossible to do. Of course, for her, the accident had been many years ago and she was used to getting around on only one leg, but still, it was something they had in common. 

When Lirael came in, she paused for a second and looked at Aenna in surprise. Before this, there had never been anyone in this corner of the library. But it lasted only for a moment until she nodded curtly and retreated again into the corner she had spend all her time in before. 

Aenna sighed but remained. She knew she didn't much look like a Clayr, well, more than Lirael herself, since she did have the brown skin and the light hair, now completely white, but her skin was particularly dark, nearly black and her hair was cut very short. 

And obviously, Lirael wouldn't expect any Clayr here in the palace library, not wearing the traditional white and clearly not doing anything that Clayr would usually do. Nor would she possibly even want to talk to one. 

Still, after an hour of sitting and reading, out of the corner of her eye she saw that Lirael had inched closer and was now looking at her from a distance of only a few meters. 

It seemed like she wanted to prove something, maybe to Aenna, maybe to herself, by climbing higher on a ladder than she had done before, higher than seemed possible or prudent with just one hand. She looked at Aenna defiantly but it was clear she wasn't able to figure out how to both hold herself steady on the ladder at this height and take the book she wanted with only one hand. 

Not wanting to push her away but also seeing the potential danger of the situation, Aenna got up carefully and took a few steps towards the girl. 

"I can help if you want." 

Lirael first ignored her, trying even harder the get the book but ending up just hanging onto the ladder with what seemed to be the last strength she had left. She was about two meters above ground and clung to the ladder with her left hand while trying to also hold on with the right arm but not being able to find the right angle. 

She was clearly out of her depths and already sweating and exhausted, hanging on by sheer willpower. Still the expression she gave Aenna when she finally looked down was full of defiance. 

"I am good, thanks." 

Aenna smiled a little and lifted her skirt so that the wooden peg that replaced her missing leg became clearly visible, an undertaking that wasn't particularly easy seeing how massive her body was but one that she nevertheless deemed necessary. Liraels expression as she saw the wood where a leg should have been changed and became more one of surprise and confusion. 

After she put the skirt down again and straightened up, Aenna made a Charter sign in the air. She didn't look but knew that behind her, one of the library's sendings approached at her calling. 

"I would not be able to climb that ladder. Knowing that does not make me less capable. It does not make me weak, or less than others, it just means I adjust. I accept help when I need it." 

The sending now stood next to her, awaiting orders. 

Lirael seemed to think about it for a few moments and then gave a curt nod. Another Charter sign and the sending went to the ladder and reached up to help Lirael down. 

Once again safely on the ground, Lirael told the sending which books she wanted, who then swiftly climbed the ladder, brought the books back down and on another order disappeared into the library again. 

Smiling, Aenna gave a nod and went back to her armchair. It took a few minutes but then Lirael followed. She sat down in another armchair close by and for a few moments, they just sat there silently. 

"My… Prince Sameth is making me a hand. A Charter hand. So that I can do things again." 

It was blurted out, as if it was something Lirael was both proud and ashamed of. 

Aenna smiled.

"Good. Until then, it is okay to rely on help. I understand how hard it is, believe me, it was incredibly hard for me." 

Lirael frowned. 

"Couldn't you…?" 

She did not continue that sentence but Aenna knew what was meant. 

"Nah, I'm good. Fifty years of this, I'm used to it. You are the Abhorsen-in-Waiting, you need to be able to wield the bells and your sword. For that, you need both hands. I am just a librarian, I don't need to climb things or run quickly."

Now Lirael frowned. 

"But you are a Clayr, aren't you? I mean… You are… Why are you…?" 

She didn't continue the sentence but instead blushed and hid her face behind her hair, a gesture that seemed to Aenna was one she utilized a lot. 

Aenna smiled, trying to convey to the girl that it was okay. 

"I am a Clayr, yes, in the sense that I was born in the glacier and that I have the Sight." 

That seemed to make Lirael bolder. 

"You don't look like a Clayr. I mean, you do, more than me, but what you are wearing… Your hair… And you are too old." 

Again, Lirael blushed and seemed to retreat even further behind her hair. Aenna laughed out loud.

"Yes, I know Clayr my age usually live in reclusion, lost in the Sight. Well, I left the glacier when I was still young. Soon after the accident. Never looked back. While I do have the Sight, I never paid much attention to it. I live too much in the now to lose myself in the future."

Lirael looked at her with a mixture of amazement and confusion, which made her anticipate her next question.

"I left because I cared too much about myself and others as individuals to be able to stay with those who care so little." 

"But the Clayr – what they are doing is important. The Sight. My whole life…" 

She trailed off again. It was clear that she didn't know how to react to these revelations. 

Aenna sighed. 

"What the Clayr are doing is important, yes, but dedicating their whole existence to the Sight makes them lose sight of themselves and those around them as individuals, of their needs and wants. How long did it take for them to find out you were the heir to the Abhorsen? How much support did you have in finding your own path without having the Sight? Did you have any at all?" 

Lirael did not answer but just sat there, hiding behind her hair again. Finally she looked up and there were tears in her eyes. 

"I thought it was me. That I was a failure. That they were right for not wanting me. That I just needed to disappear, to be happy with being nothing because I didn't have the Sight. I… I wanted to…" 

She trailed off but then seemed to remember something. 

"But they did help, they let me work in the library even when I was too young for that. I mean, they only did it after I…" 

Lirael stopped and looked like she felt she had said too much. To reassure her, Aenna leaned over a little and held out her hand tentatively, trying to convey that she understood that Lirael did not want to speak about it more, that those memories were to painful. After a few moments, Lirael took it. 

"You are not nothing. You are you. And it doesn't matter if you are the Abhorsen or a sightless Clayr. You are everything. You are important." 

For what seemed to be a long while, Lirael just stared at her, as if she couldn't believe what she was hearing, as if it had to reach something inside of her that she had hidden away for a long time. Then, she began crying in earnest, holding on to Aenna's hand as if it was her only life support. 

"I should have died. I wanted to die. Why did I cry out? Why? It's my fault she's gone." 

Aenna barely made the words out through the sobs. She didn't really understand what any of it meant, but it felt like it was a huge weight on Lirael's shoulder that she needed to get off. After a while, she just cried, in a way that seemed like everything that she had suppressed for her entire life, every hurt, everything that she had been through finally made its way out. 

Not knowing how to comfort her other than holding her, Aenna stuck to just a few soothing reassurances. Clearly, something was gnawing at her, something that wasn't as easily fixed as making her a Charter hand. 

"Whatever happened, you are alive. You survived. Your life is yours now and you can make of it what you want." 

After a while, the sobs subsided a little and Lirael looked up again. She even smiled a little bit, though it didn't reach her eyes which still looked hurt and broken.

"Thank you." 

Aenna smiled back. 

"No need to thank me. You can always come here if you want to talk." 

Lirael frowned a little and this time, her smile did reach her eyes. 

"I think I do."


End file.
